after losing main client, illegitimate inbred child and five star carbon rated home. Raging nazi and high profile tribal prostitute Esmeralda Simmons was found dead in a gutter after losing more of her life than she could bear. The 19 year old whore set fire to her cardboard house which was given to her by the Amazonian government after she lost her tree house in a court case involving the famous gay lover of coffee fanatic John Smith. Fortunately alot of the house was saved when Simmons herself fell on the flames, miraculously extinguishing the fire after a fatal collapse involving what doctors believe to be hydroxide gas poisoning. The gases were said to come from an exploded lubricant bottle left on the coffee table that contains a highly toxic gas when released from its usual jelly-like form. The body was identified late last night by a neighbour, who called the police when Simmons’ cat was heard pissing on the corpse and screeching wildly for her deceased owner.

A public funeral will be held in 2 days time, where any past clients, friends or family are welcome to attend. readers are encouraged to send in messages for Esmeralda in next week’s memorial service.

☥ means i took it. credit if you're gonna use it, yeah?